I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
