god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
