fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I pour the whiskey from now on
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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