The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
