I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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