I'd wear matching sweaters with you
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
