Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize