I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
