I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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