I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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