just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
