I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I love having hate sex.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
