Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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