Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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