i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I AM VODKA MAN
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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