i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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