Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
