I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
