I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
