'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize