The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
