She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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