Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
a search helicopter?!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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