Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
