Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
jump out the window naked night went bad
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
