Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
