I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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