So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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