census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
