oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I take back everything I said about communal showers
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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