I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
