and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
