My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
