Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
either way he was missing a nipple.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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