I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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