Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
