I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize