i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
