Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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