I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
