You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
