so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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