Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
