I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
