How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
