her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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