I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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