I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
