I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
