can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
