if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
