Me. At least after what I've been through.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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