she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
