i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
