Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
