i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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