I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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