he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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